The other day I was hanging out with the kiddos, when they (at separate times) referred negatively towards themselves - one said they were short, one said they were weird. It wasn't the first time they have reflected negatively about themselves, which frustrates me immensely (out of love for them) because I feel its one of the worst things they can do to themselves. I immediately took notice from the very first time they did this because I struggled with my own self-esteem concerns for a good part of my pre-teen/teen life and I wanted to be sure to not have them go down that path alone and basically I just want to annihilate doubt on site. One of the ways self-esteem is defined is one's overall sense of self-worth. And when kids start becoming more entrenched in larger social settings, their self-worth can come become questioned and tested to some extreme measures. Nonetheless, I really try my best to approach them with a patient, clear, and logical manner. This is what I said (in a nutshell):

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Listen to me, what you need to be most concerned with is yourself and how you react to things. I think that you are beautiful, handsome, strong, smart, fun, funny, friendly, happy, joyful, relaxed, caring, helpful, comforting, encouraging, supportive, original, and probably much more I can’t think of this very moment. In good times and bad, you should always keep expressing those characteristics without letting anything stand in your way because it brings you such great results. I hope you can memorize these simple words of mine because it will always make you feel so much better about yourself and help guide you. I hope you trust in me as your Dad and Parent who loves you the most out of everyone in the world and I’m always ready to talk.

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This time around (because as I mentioned, this wasn't the first time they have directed negative comments towards themselves), instead of discussing how that type of self-talk is bad for them, I decided to re-direct their thoughts onto the positive things that they are, keeping it short in hopes of keeping it effective.

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Simply telling a child "you should have better self-esteem" or "you shouldn't say that about yourself" doesn't exactly help them define and navigate this territory. We have to first recognize what (if anything at all) they struggle with. Growing up for me, for example, it was a very blurred line of self-esteem and being conceited. So, in order for me to NOT be conceited, I pretty much just avoided the line entirely which, in turn, sent me into the direction of negative self-esteem. And so - like any good parent - I had to first have a good grasp of this concept before helping my kids with it. After all, there's nothing like telling your child "Go put your shoes on so we can leave" and they come back wearing their favorite pair of fancy high heel shoes or baseball cleats - because, well, we just weren't specific with our instructions. And so details can go a long way in their understanding.

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However, whereas a simple "stop telling yourself that" can be ineffective, the opposite in talking too much about the subject can also wash over their heads. As parents, we have to find the correct balance that is helpful and supportive for the child as an individual. I love the quote from this article which mentions that you can never have too much self-esteem or from this article which mentions that confidence and positive self-esteem should not be confused with arrogance.​ I would like to reaffirm those ideologies in saying that, ANY approach on positive self-esteem is better than none.  

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For my kids, I know that they feel and know my love 100% everyday because I make the effort to express it to them. So I know they have kind of a head start with positive self-esteem. But the social-driven-technology world that they live in can quickly magnify their self-consciousness and pretty much eradicate our efforts as parents in an instant. Having to frequently re-visit this topic might almost be essential until we know for certain they understand it (and even then, we should continue to re-visit it pretty often). 

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Sometimes, our approach can come through indirect examples. For instance, the other day, I made it a point to discuss with my youngest a crucial point of our relationship - which is that I will drop just about anything to attend to her, whether it was getting her something to eat/drink, or play dolls with her. I wanted her to acknowledge and understand that I am 100% here for her, which is great, however, I noticed that she treated others with the same concept, whereas she thought others would/and should do what she asks simply because she asked politely. I explained to her is that I am unique. And that the relationship we have is pretty much unlike any other relationship she will ever have. And though I am proud to do these things for her, no one else has to, or should be talked to like they have to. I feel that this reinforces my love and support for her, along with the understanding of the big picture in life and the respect for other people's point of views. I love Chris Rock's take on it, however I try to take a much more PBS kids approach to it while keeping the same concept.

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In other words, don't be surprised when people do NOT take your side, do not take your point of view, or do not agree with you. They don't have to. What really matters and what is really important is that You know what really matters and you know what is really important (which, once again, falls on our teachings as a parent).

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And if this sincere method doesn't sink in for them by the beginning of middle school... Chris Rock's approach might just be a viable option.

 

Thanks for reading!