In the digitally connected world that we live in today, we are constantly made aware of other people's lives. What they have and don't have. What they want and don't want. And though YOU may be at a state of peace with being appreciative of what you have, the little ones might not have reached that point yet. And so comes the battle of comparison and expectations. "Comparison is the thief of joy" is how one quote goes. And, though I like to view all sides of the story, this could very well be true so let's stick with this for the moment. Growing up during my own childhood, there were definitely times in which I wish I had things that I saw others have - cars, toys, houses, even food (I grew up in the time when Delivery Pizza really exploded and it seemed like every family was ordering it, except for mine). And though none of those pushed me to the brink of arguing with my parents about it, I couldn't deny having that feeling deep inside me as to why I couldn't have the things that I saw others have. Nowadays, the comparisons are on a larger scale. There are MORE cars than before, MORE toys than before, and of course, MORE food to choose from. And so it's only natural that my kids, just like myself, have the feelings of wanting those things over what I have already given them. 

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Now, material items in one thing (I always pull out the old "when I was your age, I shared pants and shoes with my brother...AND sister, so be grateful for what you got!), but it's those non material things can really develop a tear in your relationship that could be difficult to overcome. Here's the big example: my oldest daughter got into her teens and was becoming aware of sleepovers. Now, my #1 rule (among many other #1 rules...) for my daughters is NO SLEEPOVERS. I will let you hang out until the wee hours of the morning, but you're still coming home so that I can tuck you goodnight (aka lock you up!). I had 1 exception when we moved to a new city and state. I wanted her to develop new friendships and so I allowed her to sleepover for her friend's birthday party. Well guess what happened after that 1 instance? That's right, she wanted to do more sleepovers with other friends. And when I referred to rule #1, she always argued back and referred to that ONE TIME - "and how come you let me do it then? I'm older now" But I stuck to my guns and kept the law laid down. Well, more and more of her friends were having sleepovers and more and more we would get into arguments on why she wasn't allowed to sleepover (well, actually SHE would argue, I would just repeat that it's not happening. end of story). So Her comparisons between her life and her friends' lives set an expectation for herself that I was refusing to meet. Was it my fault that she was missing out on all that fun? Was it her fault for allowing other's lifestyle to determine hers? The conversation can become daunting for both sides.

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And don't get me wrong, I felt bad many times; I questioned myself many times. But I kept going back to the same thought: "Why am I having this dilemma?" And the answer was simple: it was because of outside forces. But no matter how much you love your kids and how much good you think you are doing for them, comparison to other people's lives are inevitable. How are you prepared to deal with it?

 

Now onto another example in My son, not in his teens yet, is also starting to push that envelope. He likes the library because he gets to play games on the computers, I like the library because I want them to read books - GO FIGURE!!! So for the last couple of times we have gone to the library, his expectations is that he is going to play video games, but when we get there, it's only about reading books. And guess what? He gets mad at me! And so, the most recent time, I had to give him a disclaimer of "Hey, we are going to the library, but only to read, NOT to play video games" and he had a snark face and asked if he could stay home. Now, I don't know about many of you, but when I plan on a family trip to the library...it's because the family is going! Now, when I plan a trip to the karaoke bar...SURE you can stay home!! And so now, he does not want to go to the library because he knows I'm going to make him read books. Is that crazy or what? And why... because of Comparison and expectations. 

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So how do we deal with it? How do we deal with the urges that many of us once had (maybe still do) to want things that we cannot have? How do we maintain our discipline for the things we feel are good for our kids? As you think that over, I will just let you know that my approach has remained simple: explain and don't argue. I try to explain that making decisions as a parent is not easy, but it is the best that I can do - and I've been doing it up until this point now, whether some people think it is wrong or right. If they can be appreciative of the circumstances - for better or for worse, for ugly or for shiny - they can find themselves understanding many of the situations that can make growing up difficult. Also, I walk the walk, not just talk it. I had to watch the things I say such as "I wish I had..." or "if only I had...". This type of vocabulary can steer kids in the wrong direction, even though you struggle to steer them right. Don't blame others, just keep the conversation simple, and keep it relative to your home life.

 

Another good idea is to frequently point out the things that we receive every day that may be overlooked. Some things become an automatic responsibility for us parents, that our kids think that it's just a natural occurrence like breathing. But those things should be pointed out and understood that it takes time and effort, such as food doesn't buy and cook itself; clothes don't pick themselves out by themselves and show up in your closet; and a parent's free time is actually very often spent preparing for the following day, week, or month. A lot of these tasks for parents become automatic that it appears to be a seamless part of everyday life, however it is important to take a moment to point them out to our children so they understand that they recognize the many results that stem from efforts.

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If we are able to effectively communicate the love and care that we put into our decisions, they will eventually come to appreciate their family for what they are, as they are.

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Notice I said "eventually" come to appreciate. There is no guaranteed timeline on that one. So suck it, up buttercup. 

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What is your approach on this topic?

 

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